See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

twloha:

Shadows settle on the place that you left

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness

Destroy the middle it’s a waste of time

From the perfect start to the finish line

I remember the day I met him. I was immediately infatuated with his confidence and certainty. He knew who he was. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. All I did know was that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his.I had never before had the desire to pour so much of my heart into another person, especially someone like him. He stood for everything I was against. He turned to his own concoctions of booze and drugs to numb the pain he felt. I was in recovery from my struggles with depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He was dangerous, but somehow I fell for him. I fell fast, and I fell hard.

I also remember the day I lost him, the day I realized he didn’t love me anymore. Or did he ever love me? Had I made this all up in my head? The beginning of our story together was perfect; it was truly too good to be true. The end was a horrible disaster. And the middle? I wanted to erase each of those memories from my mind. The shadow of our relationship followed me around everywhere I went. Everything reminded me of him. Had I truly invested so much of myself into one person that I wasn’t sure who I was without him? Surely, he hadn’t invested that much of himself into me.

My eyes are damp from the words you left

Ringing in my head when you broke my chest

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I put him on a pedestal that made it impossible for me to see any of his faults. However, I was well aware of my faults and hyper-aware of each of my mistakes. I believed that I must have failed him. I had found recovery; it was my turn to help him, and I had failed. Weeks went by with that horrible ache in my chest. The ache of emptiness, and failure.

It took some time for me to find myself again. I reminded myself how hard I had worked in recovery; I wasn’t going to let this pull me back under. I dove into life headfirst. I recommitted to my faith. I started to discover the beauty in the smallest things. I was determined to recognize all the wonderful things about myself. Every morning I woke up and reminded myself how lucky I was to be alive. I had to let go of all the things I considered to be my failures. I was powerful. I was a warrior. I couldn’t force anyone else to change. I could only support and love them. I had to focus on myself.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one

‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone

Setting fire to our insides for fun

To distract our hearts from ever missing them

But I am forever missing him

I will forever remember the way that I felt about him. I spent a lot of time trying to distract myself from the ache in my heart. Now, I try to feel everything fully. I am lucky to have experienced a feeling of love that was so strong and pure, even if it ended in heartbreak and pain. If you are lucky enough to feel that, be grateful. Whether your heart aches with the loss of that love, or that love continues to grow into your future. Let yourself feel all of it. Let go of the things you can’t change. There was nothing more freeing than the feeling of releasing all that pressure off my shoulders. Most importantly try to remember, you are powerful. You are powerful all on your own.

- Lisa, TWLOHA Fall ‘15 Intern